disillusioned ramblings.

In the midst of trying to finish reading my ‘eat, pray love’ this afternoon (which I’ve established I’ve been trying to get through for almost a year now) I wanted to get a couple other books just because which is silly because I haven’t even finished the one I’m on but regardless of, ‘The Book of Flaws’ was purchased and a quick skim through was conducted.

While watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics this week and references being made to the previous one, it dawned on me how quickly 4 years had passed. 4 years ago I was 21, living in London, thinking I had my shit together and that I belonged someplace with someone, still saying Alhamdulillah for everything, but just feeling accomplished and that this was it. 4 years later and I couldn’t be more distant from that in its entirety. The scariest part which has me a tiny bit freaked is that in 4years time I’ll be 29 and lord knows what that’s going to look like. I’ve got somewhat of an idea of what I’d like it to consist of but no fingers are crossed or preconceived notions of what it’s meant to entail; I think I’ve learned that much!

I’ve started to really enjoy my own company and value silence and solace for my heart and soul but being home has scared me because that serenity has become a yearning which I don’t want to get accustomed to. And it makes me list my flaws and feel like a terrible person for just wanting to be on my own and makes me a tad afraid of the future and being able to share a life or space with someone. Sometimes I don’t have patience, and I get angry, and frustrated, and I say mean things, and I doubt God and I really and truly regret all those things both during and after its happening and when I do it makes me feel as if I deserve whatever shitness comes my way or has come and its just one massive sad argh. But then there are days where I don’t think I’m such a terrible human being and that people make mistakes and to err is human etc. etc. etc. but how many fuck ups are we allowed in life?! Or do we just keep doing this back and forth until we die and hope for the best? And during that time live in a constant state of questioning whether or not we made the right decisions, chose the right job, the right person to marry, whether waiting so long to find that person and that desired state of happiness or whatever you envisioned it to be was worth it, whether choosing to spend on travel as opposed to saving was the right call, and I suppose the list could go on, but the conscious choices we make on a daily are ones we’re probably going to have to live with for the rest of our lives. Some of us choose to think with our hearts and go by what feels right despite the evident risks, and some think with their brain making calculated decisions, weighing the pros and cons of every single move, unwilling to and afraid of any commitment and risk which might jeopardize the repose of their sacred comfort zone. Succumbing to the latter and it potentially consuming my being terrifies me.

I’m usually not a cynical person lol and I try to look on the bright side and have hope despite whatever unpleasant situation might befall me or anyone, but the urge to just sit and write about the good, the bad, and the ugly has been a long time coming, hence the overflow of thoughts which may or may not make any sense. Words used to hold a special place in my heart, and even re-reading that word, that they ‘used to’, makes my heart uneasy because I still want to be in love with words. The meaning behind each word and the intrinsic formation of them strung together or a conscious decision made to place certain words side-by-side so as to create meaning, emotion, or feeling, is something I’ve always been in awe of and reading something powerful or beautiful because of a specific word choice legit brings the most goofiest smile to my face which is kind of lame but I love it! Lately however, the concept of ‘actions speak louder than words’ has been renting a flat in my mind and I’m slowly starting to feel and believe that the only words worth believing in are the ones you say and promise to yourself. ‘Blah blah bullshit’ is a new phrase I’ve coined and I think at this point in my life actions behind one’s word hold a newfound level of sanctity in my heart.

In a couple weeks I’ll be back on my own for real real and to my ickle space and work to keep me occupied and I know I’ll have bouts of longing for the madness and noise that comes from being home so I’ll enjoy it while I can. Spending this particular summer with my family has been extra special with lots of feels and bondings and really placing their role in my life into perspective regardless of where in the world I might be and with whom. Your family and God are kinda sorta your only true fans who genuinely want nothing but the best for you and your happiness and will be there for you through the good and shitty bad, and cherishing that relationship before anything or anyone is a #majorkeytosuccess lawl. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side love xx


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